Loving this!!! (also as Erized said, sad carter ain't a RO but that would've been a lot of DRAMAA LOL (imagine you start seeing romantically the kid you see as your own))
We don't know Zander yet but I bet his kind personality a mask (please please please yes I love those who fake being nice)
Will we choose the gender of the UNKNOWN too?
Will this story have nsfw or it will be just kissing with RO's?
Ah, alas, we'll just have to rely on Carter to be our dad and not our daddy.
Anyway: You'll just have to wait to meet Z lol
You will be able to choose Kestrel's gender, no worries.
I haven't decided quite yet how far things will get intimacy wise. I'd lean toward it being more adult, but at this point I'm not making any promises either way. Odds are this will end up being more of a series of stories so we'll just see how things land
I'm not really sure what other descriptors I'll add for the MC. Probably height at least (if only for the eventual comparison with the LI) and maybe some others.
Just read the second chapter. Not too bad, although I must confess it felt a little bit disjointed/immersion-breaking with the flashback of Carter first meeting the MC just slotted in there (especially as it had no real connection to the scenes before or after). That sort of flashback is much more like something you'd use as the prologue of the story, capturing the readers interest as they're introduced to their MC and left to wonder just who or what their MC really is. just my opinion, tho.
The flashback was mostly meant to shuffle together a lot of different information that would have been clunky to work into actual dialogue: that Carter was formerly part of MAB, that he's retired from them, and his general opinion/disposition toward them even before meeting the MC.
But I see where you're coming from. I'll keep that in mind in the future. Thanks for leaving a comment and reading!
I have a suggestion about how to make it less 'clunky'.
I think a prologue with a younger Carter arriving on the scene (finding MC), making note of some things and reporting, 'we've got another weird one' and maybe using some MAB-related jargon/supernatural terms that clearly indicates he knows his stuff, as well as showing some distaste or coldness (or however he feels about the MAB) when reporting to that lady, actually adds a lot of intrigue right from the start. We wanna know more.
And this intrigue intensifies if, in the first chapter, an older Carter is acting like a run-of-the mill cop indifferent or clueless to the supernatural, different to how we saw him act in the prologue (now the reader think, 'what? is this the same guy?'). Now MC, being sensitive to such things, may be able to tell that something about Carter just doesn't feel right and never has, but can't pinpoint what is it. Maybe it contributes to MC's unwillingness to trust Carter with certain things, or Carters unwillingness to be too friendly with MC. Or maybe MC is torn between this mistrust & the longing to rely on someone, or find familial comfort, and it's just awkward. This goes on up to the reveal in chapter 2, and can cause some interesting moments between them til then.
I don't really see how it would be clunky to work it in to the conversation when Carter & MC are reunited after the shooting indecent at the house, if anything it makes perfect sense as it works with the progression of the story events. It would make even more sense if MC caught a glimpse of the summoned being back at the house but had no idea wtf it was. Carter seems hesitant to explain at first, mentioned that what he shot at wasn't human. It was a summoning. MC asks him what the hell he's talking about, what is a summoning and how the hell does know such things. Carter sighs, then starts speaking in fluent supernatural terms that no run-of-the-mill cop should know. MC just stares/says wtf/etc. Carter says, 'listen kid, there's a lot you don't know... a lot I haven't told you about me, about who I was and who I used to run with. I planned to to tell you earlier but between cases and you trying to wrap your head around your abilities, and how hard it was for you, it seemed a cruel and unnecessary burden to heap on you. I just kept putting it off, y'know. But I guess this is it.' He gives an abbreviated account of the weird circumstances under which he found MC, and how they weren't the first strange finding he had. MC asks how many others, to which he explains he'd been finding them for years, when he worked for the MAB. Then MC can ask him some questions about MAB that he answers. You can give continued indications of how Carter feels about the bureau ('show, don't tell') in how he speaks about them, words he uses, etc. rather than him straight up saying how he feels about them.
This is really good so far. I love your writing 'voice', the mystery behind the MC, and Carter, of course! I'll admit I was slightly disappointed that Carter wasn't one of the LIs (I assumed he was cos he was first on the list of characters, which I first thought was a list of LIs). I love me some older grizzled man (and a cop to boot!), but ehh, I'm sure the actual LIs will be great! :D Can't wait to read more. :)
I just wanted to leave a little comment for you, since I was in the mood and you wrote "I'm open to all advice and critique" at the end of your demo. Sooo here I am. And I'll just start with the very first thing, that I noticed and that made me discover your "The Second Sight" - demo in the first place.
It actually was your 'story-cover-icon-thingy' when I was searching itch for new, potentially good IFs to read. It's simple but really, really nice to look at. It's also easy to read the title and it kind of caught my eye in the truest sense of the word. ['cause you know... the little fancy mystical eye in the center of the picture. Haha... yeah. I'm aware. I'm not funny at all. ._.] Nevertheless I love it! ❤ - Eh, the eye not my joke.
What I also love is your color choice in terms of font and background. Not too bright, not too dark and still with enough contrast.
Also, there was never too much text in a passage, so I never felt like I was being crushed by words :D Believe me, it's a blessing when someone can gauge how much text per passage makes sense.
I think you're already doing a lot of really good, reader-friendly things and I haven't even said, what I think of your writing at this point.
But, since I'm sure many readers appreciate the fact that you've put as much thought into the design of your story as you have into its content, I wanted to put this praise into words.
And now, finally, I shall also get to the content in question! :D
Although your demo wasn't too long, it still managed to captivate me and make me wonder what happens next. - What can be learned about the main character's past? - How much will the player's future decisions affect the story?
- What will the other characters be like? [For that matter, I'm probably already a Kestrel-fangirl, I kinda feel it. (˘︶˘).｡.:*♡]
So even though I haven't been able to read much yet, the setting and text already makes me want to read more. And that's just so precious.
Therefore I really hope you extend your demo someday and, of course, manage to finish your story alltogether. First and foremost for yourself ❤ - as you certainly have your own motivation to write - and secondly for all your future readers. By the way, I will definitely be one of those future readers and I will wait patiently for more updates and content. I wish you lots of success, support and fun writing! I am sure you can do it! (❀•ᴗ•)/
And last but not eh... but definitely the least: It's kind of a "me"-problem and actually not worthy of criticism. [B u u u u u t [!] ← It's one of my drama-"but"s. Obviously.] I just have a personal ongoing and very fierce battle with some fonts, that have ugly serifs. And so I have to talk about it. I must talk about your current font-choice. It is one of my arch enemies! Not the worst, but still the kind of squiggly font that is just not pretty! - So maybe it's possible to program an option to choose a font with other serifs? Or without serifs at all? Just a thought that came up, because I was struggling. But I have no idea how complicated something like that would be, so I will leave it at that. Others will not have the same personal problem as I do.
So, thank you so much for reading my comment, for beeing creative and for blessing itch with your demo and story. Have a really nice, beautiful and enchanting day! ❤ Also, have an imaginary cookie before you start your day. [Or night.]
And all the others, not named spoiledsweet, who have also read this wall of text, are hereby given an imaginary cookie too! An organic one with chocolate! Gluten,- lactose,- and calorie-free! Incredibly delicious! It may even bring luck. P r o b a b l y.
You are an adorable little ray of sunshine. Thanks so much for the in depth review. I really appreciate it and I'm glad you had fun reading this.
I will look into whether or not Sugarcube allows for the reader to set the font. I'm still extremely new to all of this. I've actually been back and forth about the font for a while, since I know sans-serif fonts are supposed to be easier to read. It was just one of those things that fell by the way side, though I will probably change it.
lol And I'm especially glad you like the new banner as I literally just changed it to that one a few hours ago. I hope you like the new UI changes that are coming with chapter 2 (hopefully just as easy to read, I'll keep an ear out for any complaints though. You can see previews of it in the screenshots).
Also I laughed a lot at your mention of Kestrel. I have a feeling they'll be very popular overall.
You are very welcome! ♡ And thank you so much for your lovely message! (˘︶˘).｡.:*❤ (I'm sorry I'm only now getting around to replying.)
Also, I've seen that marblestorystudio has given you a few codes regarding fonts. :DDD - Yay! So I really hope they are useful to you in some way and that you'll do a lot more magic with Sugarcube in the future! I can imagine that everything is still super complicated at the beginning but I'm sure you can manage it, with enough time and effort!
I will definitely be rooting for you and your story! [And for 'The Kestrel' inside your Story, who - you are so right! - will definitely become popular! ¯\(◦‿◦❀) It can't be any other way!]
Aaand I looked at the screenshots already! Your new UI looks really nice so far and definitely easy to read!
Have a super nice day, drink some delicious coffee and take care! ✿
that was fantastic :D gosh, I love the pace and the little inside things we can see/read about our 'dad' and the town-/townspeople :D I'm looking forward to more <3
I really like what you have so far, especially the pacing for when some of the tension kicks in! Very excited to see what you have in store for this! <33
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Loving this!!! (also as Erized said, sad carter ain't a RO but that would've been a lot of DRAMAA LOL (imagine you start seeing romantically the kid you see as your own))
We don't know Zander yet but I bet his kind personality a mask (please please please yes I love those who fake being nice)
Will we choose the gender of the UNKNOWN too?
Will this story have nsfw or it will be just kissing with RO's?
Will we choose our height and all that stuff?
thank you! cant wait for more!
Ah, alas, we'll just have to rely on Carter to be our dad and not our daddy.
Anyway: You'll just have to wait to meet Z lol
You will be able to choose Kestrel's gender, no worries.
I haven't decided quite yet how far things will get intimacy wise. I'd lean toward it being more adult, but at this point I'm not making any promises either way. Odds are this will end up being more of a series of stories so we'll just see how things land
I'm not really sure what other descriptors I'll add for the MC. Probably height at least (if only for the eventual comparison with the LI) and maybe some others.
awesome!
And that's fine... we'll find a daddy on the other Ro's (coz they all older than us lol.. funny is I am same age than MC)
As for the height, even better, lot of us got a height difference taste *ehem*
Just read the second chapter. Not too bad, although I must confess it felt a little bit disjointed/immersion-breaking with the flashback of Carter first meeting the MC just slotted in there (especially as it had no real connection to the scenes before or after). That sort of flashback is much more like something you'd use as the prologue of the story, capturing the readers interest as they're introduced to their MC and left to wonder just who or what their MC really is.
just my opinion, tho.
The flashback was mostly meant to shuffle together a lot of different information that would have been clunky to work into actual dialogue: that Carter was formerly part of MAB, that he's retired from them, and his general opinion/disposition toward them even before meeting the MC.
But I see where you're coming from. I'll keep that in mind in the future. Thanks for leaving a comment and reading!
I have a suggestion about how to make it less 'clunky'.
I think a prologue with a younger Carter arriving on the scene (finding MC), making note of some things and reporting, 'we've got another weird one' and maybe using some MAB-related jargon/supernatural terms that clearly indicates he knows his stuff, as well as showing some distaste or coldness (or however he feels about the MAB) when reporting to that lady, actually adds a lot of intrigue right from the start. We wanna know more.
And this intrigue intensifies if, in the first chapter, an older Carter is acting like a run-of-the mill cop indifferent or clueless to the supernatural, different to how we saw him act in the prologue (now the reader think, 'what? is this the same guy?'). Now MC, being sensitive to such things, may be able to tell that something about Carter just doesn't feel right and never has, but can't pinpoint what is it. Maybe it contributes to MC's unwillingness to trust Carter with certain things, or Carters unwillingness to be too friendly with MC. Or maybe MC is torn between this mistrust & the longing to rely on someone, or find familial comfort, and it's just awkward. This goes on up to the reveal in chapter 2, and can cause some interesting moments between them til then.
I don't really see how it would be clunky to work it in to the conversation when Carter & MC are reunited after the shooting indecent at the house, if anything it makes perfect sense as it works with the progression of the story events. It would make even more sense if MC caught a glimpse of the summoned being back at the house but had no idea wtf it was. Carter seems hesitant to explain at first, mentioned that what he shot at wasn't human. It was a summoning. MC asks him what the hell he's talking about, what is a summoning and how the hell does know such things. Carter sighs, then starts speaking in fluent supernatural terms that no run-of-the-mill cop should know. MC just stares/says wtf/etc. Carter says, 'listen kid, there's a lot you don't know... a lot I haven't told you about me, about who I was and who I used to run with. I planned to to tell you earlier but between cases and you trying to wrap your head around your abilities, and how hard it was for you, it seemed a cruel and unnecessary burden to heap on you. I just kept putting it off, y'know. But I guess this is it.' He gives an abbreviated account of the weird circumstances under which he found MC, and how they weren't the first strange finding he had. MC asks how many others, to which he explains he'd been finding them for years, when he worked for the MAB. Then MC can ask him some questions about MAB that he answers. You can give continued indications of how Carter feels about the bureau ('show, don't tell') in how he speaks about them, words he uses, etc. rather than him straight up saying how he feels about them.
Anyway, just an idea!
Awww man... is literally my response everytime i finish a chapter and there's no next! 😭
This is really good so far. I love your writing 'voice', the mystery behind the MC, and Carter, of course!
I'll admit I was slightly disappointed that Carter wasn't one of the LIs (I assumed he was cos he was first on the list of characters, which I first thought was a list of LIs). I love me some older grizzled man (and a cop to boot!), but ehh, I'm sure the actual LIs will be great! :D
Can't wait to read more. :)
Someone after my own heart. Honestly I'd totally pick Carter too.
What a wonderful story! Keep up with this,im really excited to see more of it♡
I loved reading this and can't wait for more!
Did I say I love you? Because I love you.
Also glad you liked it!
Hello there spoiledsweet, (◍•ᴗ•◍)❤
I just wanted to leave a little comment for you, since I was in the mood and you wrote "I'm open to all advice and critique" at the end of your demo.
Sooo here I am. And I'll just start with the very first thing, that I noticed and that made me discover your "The Second Sight" - demo in the first place.
It actually was your 'story-cover-icon-thingy' when I was searching itch for new, potentially good IFs to read. It's simple but really, really nice to look at. It's also easy to read the title and it kind of caught my eye in the truest sense of the word. ['cause you know... the little fancy mystical eye in the center of the picture. Haha... yeah. I'm aware. I'm not funny at all. ._.]
Nevertheless I love it! ❤ - Eh, the eye not my joke.
What I also love is your color choice in terms of font and background. Not too bright, not too dark and still with enough contrast. Also, there was never too much text in a passage, so I never felt like I was being crushed by words :D
Believe me, it's a blessing when someone can gauge how much text per passage makes sense.
I think you're already doing a lot of really good, reader-friendly things and I haven't even said, what I think of your writing at this point.
But, since I'm sure many readers appreciate the fact that you've put as much thought into the design of your story as you have into its content, I wanted to put this praise into words.
And now, finally, I shall also get to the content in question! :D
Although your demo wasn't too long, it still managed to captivate me and make me wonder what happens next.
- What can be learned about the main character's past?
- How much will the player's future decisions affect the story?
- What will the other characters be like? [For that matter, I'm probably already a Kestrel-fangirl, I kinda feel it. (˘︶˘).｡.:*♡]
So even though I haven't been able to read much yet, the setting and text already makes me want to read more. And that's just so precious.
Therefore I really hope you extend your demo someday and, of course, manage to finish your story alltogether.
First and foremost for yourself ❤ - as you certainly have your own motivation to write - and secondly for all your future readers.
By the way, I will definitely be one of those future readers and I will wait patiently for more updates and content.
I wish you lots of success, support and fun writing!
I am sure you can do it! (❀•ᴗ•)/
And last
but noteh... but definitely the least:It's kind of a "me"-problem and actually not worthy of criticism.
[B u u u u u t [!] ← It's one of my drama-"but"s. Obviously.]
I just have a personal ongoing and very fierce battle with some fonts, that have ugly serifs. And so I have to talk about it. I must talk about your current font-choice. It is one of my arch enemies! Not the worst, but still the kind of squiggly font that is just not pretty! - So maybe it's possible to program an option to choose a font with other serifs? Or without serifs at all? Just a thought that came up, because I was struggling.
But I have no idea how complicated something like that would be, so I will leave it at that. Others will not have the same personal problem as I do.
So, thank you so much for reading my comment, for beeing creative and for blessing itch with your demo and story.
Have a really nice, beautiful and enchanting day! ❤
Also, have an imaginary cookie before you start your day. [Or night.]
And all the others, not named spoiledsweet, who have also read this wall of text, are hereby given an imaginary cookie too!
An organic one with chocolate! Gluten,- lactose,- and calorie-free!
Incredibly delicious! It may even bring luck.
P r o b a b l y.
(☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞
You are an adorable little ray of sunshine. Thanks so much for the in depth review. I really appreciate it and I'm glad you had fun reading this.
I will look into whether or not Sugarcube allows for the reader to set the font. I'm still extremely new to all of this. I've actually been back and forth about the font for a while, since I know sans-serif fonts are supposed to be easier to read. It was just one of those things that fell by the way side, though I will probably change it.
lol And I'm especially glad you like the new banner as I literally just changed it to that one a few hours ago. I hope you like the new UI changes that are coming with chapter 2 (hopefully just as easy to read, I'll keep an ear out for any complaints though. You can see previews of it in the screenshots).
Also I laughed a lot at your mention of Kestrel. I have a feeling they'll be very popular overall.
Hi Friend! You'll need to add something like this to your Javascript sheet:
// CHANGE FONT FAMILY
var settingFontFamily = ["Montserrat", "Merriweather", "Open Dyslexic"];
var setFont = function() {
var passages = document.getElementById("passages");
switch (settings.fontFamily) {
case "Montserrat":
passages.style.fontFamily = "'Montserrat', sans-serif";
break;
}
switch (settings.fontFamily) {
case "Merriweather":
passages.style.fontFamily = "'Merriweather', serif";
break;
}
switch (settings.fontFamily) {
case "Open Dyslexic":
passages.style.fontFamily = "'Dyslexic', serif";
break;
}
};
You can probably find a template somewhere with the entire code, I got this one from Vahnya.
Happy Coding!
I. Love. You. So much.
You are very welcome! ♡
And thank you so much for your lovely message! (˘︶˘).｡.:*❤
(I'm sorry I'm only now getting around to replying.)
Also, I've seen that marblestorystudio has given you a few codes regarding fonts. :DDD - Yay!
So I really hope they are useful to you in some way and that you'll do a lot more magic with Sugarcube in the future!
I can imagine that everything is still super complicated at the beginning but I'm sure you can manage it, with enough time and effort!
I will definitely be rooting for you and your story!
[And for 'The Kestrel' inside your Story, who - you are so right! - will definitely become popular! ¯\(◦‿◦❀) It can't be any other way!]
Aaand I looked at the screenshots already! Your new UI looks really nice so far and definitely easy to read!
Have a super nice day, drink some delicious coffee and take care! ✿
Can't wait for more!!!! Amazing!!!
this is so gd i need moreee
I loooovvvved this!!!!!!!!
And I love that you love this. Thanks for reading!
that was fantastic :D gosh, I love the pace and the little inside things we can see/read about our 'dad' and the town-/townspeople :D I'm looking forward to more <3
Awesome. Thanks so much for reading!
Well i'm hooked.
i hope Carter is ok, he and the mc have such a nice dynamic
Hooked is good. Also I'm glad you enjoy their relationship. Thanks for reading!
I really like what you have so far, especially the pacing for when some of the tension kicks in! Very excited to see what you have in store for this! <33
And I really appreciate you leaving a comment! Thanks so much for reading
Going through the demo like "You are my daaad, you're my dad! Woogie woogie woogie!
lmao I'm glad you enjoyed it!
This was very interesting and I can't wait for more!
My first commenter! Thank you so much for reading!